Adult Attachment: The Science Behind Every Relationship
In one of my previous posts, To Love is to be Alert, I outlined the importance of being alert. It teaches us to see what is really out there that there are plenty of good things inside others and us. As you practices being alert take some time be alert not just in nature as your out for a walk but also in all aspects of your life, especially your relationships.
So often I hear about my friend parents getting divorced or she dumped him or visa versa with this going on does anyone ever stop to see what’s really going on? I know I didn’t. As humans we are social creatures, we want to love and be loved but so often we act out in ways where we are selfish hoping to get the attention of our significant other. What we fail to recognize is we all love and care for each other.
In the 1960’s psychologists start studying adult relationships and realized we fall into four categories: anxious, avoidant, secure and the least common anxious-avoidant. Within these categories psychologists realized we fight for love in different ways.
The anxious will sometimes show this fight, or protest behaviour as leaving room or threaten to leave hoping his or her significant other will chase them to the other room and love them. You may hear an anxious person say, “you don’t love me”, or, “you don’t care for me” when in reality this person just wants reassurance that you do care for them because they want to know exactly where they stand in the relationship, they are anxious and fearful you may not love or care about them.
Have you ever gotten mixed signals from someone, they love me they love me not? This type of person is avoidant. They want to maintain some emotional distance, emotionally and / or physically. These people are often bad at reading clues that you love and or care for them and may even put you down to maintain some distance. Even if your relationship is serious they may keep things fuzzy. If you’re single and looking for someone chances are you will run into an avoidant person the most as scientifically they are most often in the dating pool.
Secure people are well… secure in the sense that they are comfortable with closeness and will not try to push you away like the avoidant people. Often secure people are consistent in how they run their life and can, at times be very reliable. Secure people will see you as their top priority and will feel very comfortable in telling you how they feel.
Anxious- Avoidant people well… I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. You will often feel a push and pull in a relationship, they want you then they don’t. Sometimes it may come off, as they are confused. In reality they just care.
Now that we know what to be alert for and look for in relationships and we know that our partners, usually always care for us we can begin to look for signs. As we learn to work together in a relationship we will usually, all, slowly make our way to becoming secure. As we work on our relationship we must understand those around us and give love, not war, we must work to create a better well being not push each other away.
Love! It is the ultimate solution to any relationship. It lets the other partner know that we love and care for them no matter what type of person they are and as you understand who they are together you can both work to being in a secure loving relationship. You cannot improve a relationship with negativity, you must give love to receive love and to receive love you must give it. It is a cycle. Feel love in your heart, imagine you are in a perfect relationship and feel it with every part of your being. As you take the time to be alert you will notice more and more great things about your significant other that you won’t even have time to thing of the negative things! Be alert for all the positive things!
Whenever you are faced with any negativity in your relationship love is the answer, if the person chooses to walk to the other room, or if you’re the person walking to the other room stop your self and give love instead of trying to receive the love.
Scott Admas, a cartoonist in 1957 once said, “ Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end”. If you both keep giving love there will be no end to your relationship, there will be no end to your marriage.